Bogie's Pork Chops and Applesauce

Today would have been Denni's 48th birthday. When he gave me Alice's Cookbook in 1997, his inscription said: ' I suggest the pork chops and applesauce, p.189. Denni.' The regret I have for not having the forethought to have had a Brady Bunch dinner party while he was still living is overwhelming. The entree would surely have been pork chops and applesauce, because as any fan of the show knows, that is the most famous of Alice's meals. What fun we would have had. So, better late than never, tonight we celebrate a life well lived albeit cut too short. Boneless pork chops, sauteed and then removed from the pan, with a vermouth, lemon juice and butter reduction pan gravy. Served with applesauce, a resolution to have no more regrets, and a tear or two.

Episode Note: "The Personality Kid" When someone at a party actually tells Peter that he has no personality, he takes the dis to heart and begins searching for the new Peter Brady. The girls plot to make Peter feel better by complimenting and flattering him in an overt manner that any dummy could see through the transparent scheme. And of course once it is revealed, he feels even worse. Meanwhile, Cindy and Bobby are on a home safety kick, forcing surprise fire drills. Mike and Carol tell him to stop feeling sorry for himself and improve his personality if he thinks it's so bad. Peter takes this advice to the extreme and begins adopting the personas of famous leading men, most noticeably, Humphrey Bogart. He then proceeds to talk like Bogie, and when he sees what they are having for dinner, he repeats that like Bogart too. "Pork chops and applesauce" over and over. This too fails and he resorts to a joke book to amp up his wow factor. Everyone in the house guffaws at his jokes, giving him a false sense of humor. He asks to have a party to try out his new act. Sadly, the kids at the party have heard them all before and Peter is even more deflated, as there is no punch in his line. A few of Peter's girl friends gather round him to convince him that he's anything but dull and things are finally looking up. Peter finds solace and popularity in his dullness and the girls who feel sorry for him. Here's looking at you, kid.

Cure for a Fever Chcken Soup

Chicken noodle soup, perfect for a chilly day. First, Alice had me boil chicken pieces in water for about an hour and a half, remove the chicken from the bone, return it to the now broth. add noodles and boil and then simmer. No added veggies, no nothing else. Chicken soup in it's purest form, not even heavy cream! If you are feeling a cold coming on and in the area, stop by.

Episode Note: "Career Fever" Greg wants to be an architect. Greg doesn't want to be an architect. I wish he would make up his mind. Apparently, he wrote a school essay saying he wants to follow in his father's footsteps for lack of a better idea, but doesn't feel that way. Mike reads the essay and is so proud his buttons pop, not remembering the disastrous results of the last time Greg tried out architecture, and offers to get him a job down at the office. Meanwhile, Peter and Jan decide their own future professions: doctor and nurse (Jan, always second fiddle). They begin studying the medical dictionary for rare diseases, leading Peter to fear he has six months to live. Anyway, Greg is in a pickle but comes up with a scheme to show what a no talent he is by drawing really bad sketches for Mike's perusal. Mike tries to see the bright side by complementing Greg's potential and what seemed to be hard work. If they both would just have been honest, this episode would be over by now. But instead, Mike decides to give him a drafting set hoping that the right tools will make a difference. Greg, feeling the pressure to please his father, decides to go even farther out in his drawings to really dissuade Mike. Privately, Mike admits Greg is Frank Lloyd Wrong, but still encourages him to his face.  Greg can't take it anymore and  finally comes clean, and everyone, including Peter, are feeling much better, thank you.

Only Child Peanut Butter Sandwich

Crunchy peanut butter, salami, and sliced red onion on sandwich bread. I could not subject Julia and Mark to such an culinary atrocity. Serves one. Denni liked crunchy peanut butter, that's about the only nice thing I can say about it. A waste of peanut butter, salami, bread and time. You would have to be alone when eating this, because anyone around you would lose their lunch.

Episode Note: "Jan, The Only Child" A really good episode, for a really bad recipe. Everyone who is not an only child could relate to Jan at one time or another in their lives. Unfortunately, she's the only Brady to feel pushed around, left out, disrespected and lack privacy. The situation comes to a head when Jan befriends Donna, a lucky girl with no siblings. Jan sees that Donna's grass is always greener as she never has to share the bathroom, the telephone or the TV. Mike and Carol once again dismiss Jan's feelings and tell her she's lucky to have brothers and sisters to play with. Jan decides to rebel and not attend the charity hoedown on Saturday night, instead spending the evening with Donna. Mike and Carol are dismayed because they will be one short for the big square dance, but let Jan make her own choices. A corny square dance in the living room scene follows that you really have to see to believe. Jan sits out the rehearsal and when the other kids ask why, Mike explains that Jan is just going through a phase (that will last for several of the early reunion shows). Anyway, the kids try to give Jan her space, which of course backfires and Jan goes postal on them, telling them they are all phonies,.They give it right back to her, promising to be "invisible" whenever she's around. Then, they have a potato sack race, sans Jan, on the AstroTurf. Mike and Carol opt to let the kids work the situation out for themselves, feeling that Jan deserves the medicine she's getting. Sadly, Jan learns she can't have it both ways when she wants to play a game of checkers or borrow Marcia's sweater and the cold shoulder starts to give her a chill of loneliness. Jan caves and apologizes, and goes to the family hoedown. Jan learns once again the hard way, that six Brady's are better than one.

Classified Yogurt Chicken

This is one secret I wish would have been kept. Boneless chicken breasts, rubbed all over with plain yogurt, sprinkled with Parmesan cheese and baked. The  next time I cook my way through a nasty cookbook, remind me not to save the worst for last. Served with Julia's favorite rice, so she'd have something to eat and a lot of bread. And a lot of wine. I do want to share something I did today. I looked just at the 90
 or so photos of the food, and it was quite something to see them all. Some of them seem so long ago, but mostly it overwhelmed me with what I have accomplished thus far.

Episode Note: "Top Secret" At this point in the series, not only had they jumped the shark, it had capsized the boat and eaten the crew. Bobby and Oliver suspect Mike is doing secret spy work for the government when an FBI agent comes calling. In reality (which I realize has no bearing), he is just designing a classified government building and the agent needed to clear up a few issues with his security clearance. Although Mike explains this to the boys, conspiracy theorist Oliver doesn't buy it and for some reason Bobby goes along with the (hi)jinx. Then, Sam arrives to ask a  favor of Mike, but it is a secret (not really, he just needs sketches for  an expansion of his store). Alice is sure it's hers and Sam's honeymoon cottage and Marcia helps her jump to that conclusion with both feet. While he's at the house, Sam mistakenly tells Bobby and Oliver that his project is "top secret" and tells them an exaggerated story of his army exploits to get their juices flowing. One ridiculous thing leads to another and using the knowledge they've gained from watching Mission: Impossible, the boys plot to trap Sam, who they now believe is a double agent, and his landlord, who they believe is also in on the plot, in the meat locker at the butcher shop just when Mike arrives to deliver the sketches. Mike frees them and when Bobby and Oliver explain their theories, they all have a big laugh - Sam admits to being one spy who's glad to be in from the cold, of the meat locker that is. Mike lectures the boys about jumping  to conclusions without all of the facts, something Alice is also guilty of. She is crushed to find it is a butcher shop expansion and not a proposal that caused to be Sam so furtive. Good Evening Mr Phelps, your mission if you to choose to accept it: destroy this episode. This tape will self-destruct in 5 seconds. Good luck, Jim.

Lost Earrings Pot Roast

This is another one of those days when every part of the cook in me knows what I am doing is wrong, but I go through with it anyway. A beef roast, smothered in a mixture of red wine, cream of mushroom soup, tomato soup and a packet of onion soup mix alongside potatoes, carrots, onions and celery, cooked and periodically basted for 2 hours. I pledge after tonight to never use soup in a recipe ever again, unless something suddenly comes up.

Episode Note: "The Great Earring Caper" Marcia has a pair of earrings on loan from Carol. She warns Cindy not to touch them. Cindy disobeys and "borrows" the earrings and while looking at herself in the bathroom mirror panics when her mother calls her and wraps them in a towel on the vanity. When she returns moments later - they're gone! Enlisting the help of Peter and his Sherlock Holmes Do it Yourself Detective Kit, Cindy is determined to recover the missing earrings. Apparently, all of those lectures about honesty and admitting wrong doing have fallen on deaf ears. In the meantime, Carol and Mike are trying to decide on a famous couple costume for a party Saturday night. Peter is eager to solve his first real mystery, and after getting "just the facts" from Cindy sets out to question and fingerprint the usual suspects in hope of cracking the case wide open. This, and the taking apart of the bathroom drain yield no results. When Mike and Carol decide to go as Marc Antony and Cleopatra, Carol asks Marcia for the earrings. That's when Cindy admits her wrong doing and Peter his failure as a detective. Mike takes over and a la MacMillan and Wife reconstructs each culprits actions on the day in question and we see Cindy put the towel down, Alice pick it up and put it in the laundry, Jan carry the laundry bag to the service porch and Carol load and run the wash. They all head to the laundry room  to find the lost earrings in the washer, although badly damaged. Really, it was elementary my dear Cindy.

Jan's Gone Bananas Bread

Even Alice can't ruin something so simple as banana bread. Mix mashed bananas (although she didn't say to use over-ripe ones, I knew better), flour, eggs, sugar, vanilla. Pour into a loaf pan and bake. I also employed a little trick Martha (Stewart) taught me - I lined the pan with parchment paper for an easy exit.  I used to make it all the time during the great banana bread craze of 1985. Or maybe that was just when I was crazy. Anyway, a pleasant Sunday morning treat.

Episode Note: "Will the Real Jan Brady Please Stand Up" Now this is why I love doing this. By far the best crazy Jan extravaganza ever. Jan is like a car accident, you know you shouldn't look, but you just can't help yourself. This time, Jan goes off the cliff when she gets an invitation to Lucy Winter's party that was inadvertently addressed to Marcia. Jan is feels as though she has no individual identity as the middle child and likens her position to being invisible. Upon hearing this, Carol immediately dismisses her concerns, ignoring the very loud cry for help. After seeing an ad in a magazine for hair color, Jan decides she needs to change her outward appearance in order to stand out and be noticed. Her solution: purchase a crazy black wig (sold to her by the great Marcia Wallace) and become the "New Jan Brady." The family has a field day when they see Jan in her wig, Marcia telling her she looks like kook, but Jan is not to be dismayed. Even when Mike and Carol tell her it's what's on the inside that counts (which is precisely the problem), they agree to let her wear it to Lucy's party. Okay, I need to stop right here and say, these parents should have been arrested. I have but one word: THERAPY! Who in their right mind would let their daughter humiliate herself like that in front of other children?! Did I mention that this should been seen as a cry, no a bloody murder scream for help?! Left unchecked, this is exactly how a girl ends up as Dawn:Portrait of a Teenage Runaway. Anyway, it is heartbreaking how confident Jan is on her way to the party that she and her new look will be a smash. But of course, Lucy and friends laugh their asses off and Jan runs home crushed. Lucy apologizes, telling Jan she thought it must be a joke since her real hair is so pretty. The old Jan Brady is back and she is wiggedy wack.

Home Alone Bubbling Potatoes

Essentially a twiced baked potato. Alice had me bake the potatoes, scoop out the insides, mash them with sour cream and cheese and the refill the potatoes with the mash mixture and bake for another 20 minutes. Quite tasty. Perfect for one, or with a group. But as you can see, three's a crowd.

Episode Note: "The Babysitters" Greg and Marcia are dying to be left alone in charge of Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy  for the evening to show how responsible they truly are. Mike and Carol are uneasy about this, but when they have dinner reservations and Alice is helping Sam "redecorate" his apartment they acquiesce.  But not before giving Greg and Marcia hours full of instructions, emergency phone numbers and warnings about not opening the door to strangers, etc. At the last minute, Cindy comes down with the sniffles and is sent to bed, worrying Carol even more, but Mike assures her everything will be fine. All goes well except that Jan is monopolizing the telephone, so every time Carol or Mike sneak away to call, the line is busy enhancing their anxiety. They finally decide to go home and peek in on the kids, which prompts Greg to call the police when he hears suspicious noises outside. Comedy ensues when the police show up and question Mike and Carol and Alice, who also shows up, as prowlers. Once they explain, it all makes perfect sense, sort of. Trust renewed, the grown-ups go back out for the evening and Greg and Marcia are finally alone to "redecorate."

Banquet Night Hostess London Broil

Flank steak, brushed with olive oil, lemon juice, garlic, salt and pepper and broiled 5 minutes per side. I don't know if this is actually how they do it in London, but it's how Alice does it and  as of now it's how I do it too. I have high hopes for this, the last time Alice had me prepare flank steak (of the Frog Prince variety) it was quite tasty. And, it's expensive, so I would hate to ruin it. The Jesse James T-Bones were good, too and so was Prof Whitehead's Beef Teriyaki, leading Julia to comment that "Alice knows her meat."

Episode Note: "My Fair Opponent" Molly Webber, the homely girl at school,  plays Eliza Doolittle  to Marcia's Henry Higgins in another what where they thinking at that school? episode.  This time it's an election for "Banquet Night" Hostess, apparently a pretty girl popularity contest that goes awry when Marcia' s fellow students nominate Molly as a joke. Marcia sees this as a great injustice and takes Molly under wing, trying to modernize her hair and clothing and gets her to ditch her glasses. She also helps Molly write a killer nomination speech. As a result, Molly is the new most popular girl at school and it quickly goes to her head, forgetting that she has Marcia to thank, and clearly not thinking about the shallow nature of her classmates. When the other nominee drops out of the contest, Marcia is second-runner up and takes her place. Initially she doesn't want to challenge poor Molly, but when Molly gets too big for her britches, Marcia tells her to bring it on. The girls go head to head, but Molly prevails. The night of the banquet Marcia is at home and feeling low when  Molly, seeing the error of her ways, shows up with an astronaut (because the Hostess always has a celebrity escort apparently) and graciously asks Marcia to share the title. The reign of hostess falls mainly on the girl with the mostess.

Third Time's the Charm Tomato Soup

Tomato soup, sounds good on paper, right? Unless you are reading Alice's recipe, which does not contain heavy cream, of all the times to omit the cream, she chooses tomato soup. Eight tomatoes peeled and chopped simmered in butter and garlic, then add chicken broth, lemon juice, sugar, salt and pepper, bring to a boil, simmer 10 minutes more and call it soup, or not. Mark pointed out that this is only slightly different from Depression Era tomato soup, which was ketchup and hot water. Julia had the good sense to suggest that we also have grilled cheese sandwiches, so at least there would be something decent to eat. It was actually better than Leeky Vase Soup, which is a low threshold, I know.  It's not something I would try again.

Episode Note: "Try, Try, Again" Another installment of the trials and tribulations of  Jan. This time it is fail, fail, again as she tries to find something she has a talent for. First, we see her bomb at ballet and turn into a big quitter when she isn't chosen to perform at the recital. Mike thinks Jan is old enough to deal with life's disappointments, but Carol the nurturer encourages her to try another form of dance. And thus, Jan's second failure, tap. But not before she drives the family insane with the tap, tap, tapping. Marcia sums it up when she says what everyone else is thinking: that Jan has no talent. Jan overhears and wholeheartedly agrees. Allegedly feeling sorry for hurting her sister's feelings, Marcia suggests that Jan try out for drum majorette, which seems like a good idea until Jan flails the baton through the family room window. Things are really looking bleak for poor old loser Jan. Alice says that on a scale of 1 to 10 Jan is a negative 3, but always supportive Marcia takes it one step further and declares Jan 'the most miserable member of the human race.' (How does she sleep at night?) Despite attempts by her brothers and sisters to boost her confidence by letting her win at ping pong and monopoly, Jan's sure that she is nothing more than a 'no talent loser.' At her parents insistence that she try something else, she auditions for the school play. The role is that of a starving artist and Jan paints her own prop picture to use during the try-out. She takes another nose dive as an actress, but in a twist of fate, the art teacher sees her painting and thinks she has what it takes to be a real artist. Finally, Jan finds her special purpose, until of course she becomes the most unpopular popular girl. Confucius say: enjoy temporary happiness, misery right around corner.

Scoop Brady's Baked Chicken

After nearly 90 recipes, I realize a fatal flaw. Turns out I saved the worst for last. When I had 50 or 60 to choose from, I would skip over certain ones, thinking I would do them later. Well, it seems later has come sooner than I thought. This is another one of those that just upon reading you know it can't be good, or possibly work the way Alice describes. Iindividual casserole dishes are moistened with broth, then cooked egg noodles, then topped with the sauce (milk, flour, broth, lemon juice, salt, pepper and nutmeg) and poached chicken. Baked for 30 minutes. It's the milk that gets me and the baking and the proportions are off, I had to use one large baking dish. I am dumbfounded, or maybe just dumb. And that's the whole truth.

Episode Note: "Power of the Press" Just can't get enough of Peter this week. He has been awarded a column in the Filmore Junior High called "The Whole Truth by Scoop Brady." Peter is taking this new assignment very seriously, so much so that he has let his schoolwork, especially science, fall by the wayside. He hoards all of the pencils, erasers and carbon paper (there's a blast from the past) in the house and hunkers down over Mike's typewriter to create his column. Meanwhile, Marcia's practicing for a puppet show. Peter has writer's block and even though Jan and Marcia give him lots of news items, it all seems a bit too dull. Greg and Alice suggest jazzing it up by mentioning names and making his column more personal. He writes a column flattering to several students and then reciprocate by giving Peter gifts and inviting him to parties. Despite warnings from Greg and Marcia about the persnickety science teacher Mr Price, Peter blows off  studying for his science final exam and gets a big fat "D." Peter decides to use his column to flatter Mr Price, hoping it will influence his final grade. Mike and Carol find out about the D and the sucking up and lecture Peter about the responsibility involved in the power of the press. Peter comes clean to Mr Price, who wasn't fooled by the sudden adoration and they both agree that their communication skills could use an upgrade. Peter ends up with the final grade he earned, a "C."  Mike and Carol end with a lights out kissing grading system of their own - now that's the power of the press.
.

Eavesdropping Macaroni & Cheese

Macaroni and cheese, always a welcome meal at our house. My recipes have evolved over the years. I originally started making my mother's recipe (straight off the Mueller's box) of cheddar cheese, milk, flour. ground mustard, etc. Then, two years ago I was turned onto Martha Stewart's version by my BBBF Anne. She uses an enormous amount of cheese(white cheddar and Gruyere), milk, flour, etc and it is delicious. Those two are both baked, but today, we have Alice's cheddar cheese, ricotta, heavy cream, white wine, no bake mac and cheese. Alice's note under the recipe says  "Youcan't go wrong with this dish" - and maybe in her crazy mixed-up baked bean sandwich world that's true. But not in mine.

Episode Note: "The Private Ear" Yet another problem with snooping, this time it is Peter. Marcia confides in Jan about her new love and swears her to secrecy. What they don't know is that Peter is surreptitiously recording the "private" conversations of everyone in the house, including theirs. He uses his inside info to pretend that Jan spilled the beans, and Marcia accuses Jan of telling about you know who, and you know what, and now it will be all over you know where.  A similar distrust emerges between Greg and Marcia and then Bobby and Cindy, each time being the odd-man out with the inside scoop. Mike and Carol quickly catch on and confront him, lecturing that secretly tape recording people's conversations (popular in the 70s) can be a criminal act. Peter is forced to come clean and apologize to his sibling, leaving Greg and Marcia dismayed by the leniency of the punishment. They decide to get revenge by planting a phony recording of them discussing a surprise party being planned for Peter. Peter falls for it hook, line and sinker and proceeds to drop hints about potential presents. Then, Mike and Carol get wind of that plot and have a plan of their own to foil Greg and Marcia's - a real party for Peter. How this makes for good parenting, I do not know.They even give him a tape recorder of his very own, teaching him that crime does apparently pay.

Small Fry Hungarian Goulash

I have never made nor eaten Hungarian goulash, so once again have no basis for comparison. That said, you know you are in trouble when just mixing in the ingredients produces a foul odor. On their own (beef, garlic, tomato sauce, Worcestershire, ground mustard, salt, cayenne, paprika, brown sugar and red wine) they do not offend.  Needless to say, I was a bit worried. But then, a funny thing happened. Julia came home from school and said "Mmmmm, something smells good." So with that, the pot simmered for 2 1/2 hours, I added a little flour and water to thicken the sauce and it served over noodles. I had my doubts, but it tasted pretty good.

Episode Note: "Big Little Man" Another mid-childhood crisis for Bobby when he realizes he is shorter than everyone else in the family. Apparently. it doesn't dawn on him that it is because he is younger than everyone but Cindy. There's an incident where Bobby clings to the house after a ladder he shouldn't have been climbing falls. Greg calls him a peewee and it cuts to the core. No one can seem to convince Bobby not to sell himself short, and Sam the butcher calling him "shrimpo" doesn't help. Meanwhile, Greg gets a job delivering meat at Sam's to earn money for a surfboard. Bobby goes through a series of attempts to grow/stretch his body to no avail. The girls even try to encourage him by moving the growth chart lower but Cindy tattles (she never learns), and Bobby is lower than ever. He picks a fight with the biggest kid in school and gets a black eye. Carol convinces him to use his brain power instead of his might to prove his worth. So, instead of Stretch Armstrong, he becomes Mr Know-It-All, but that backfires as well. Alice advises like a good recipe, Bobby needs a balance in his life, hmmmm. Anyway, she sends Bobby on an errand to Sam's to show her confidence in his abilities. But Bobby screws things up when he locks himself  and Greg in the meat locker. The situation seems hopeless until Greg breaks the small window in the door and only Bobby with his diminutive stature can fit through to save the day. Finally, Bobby is glad to be a small fry, not realizing that short people got no reason, no reason to live.

Trophy Toast

This recipe is no prize. It is another one of those bizarre appetizer type things that make no sense and tastes even worse. Crumbled bacon mixed with cheddar cheese, butter, Dijon mustard, spread on a slice of crustless bread, rolled up and broiled. The recipe as Alice wrote it yielded 16 servings, I cut it down to three, which still may have been way too much.

Episode Note: "The Winner" Cindy brings home a trophy for being the best jack player at the playground. Everyone celebrates her stellar accomplishment, except for Bobby. He comes to the realization that he is the only  family member without a major award. Bobby has his Jan/Peter self-pity moment sulking while wearing a donkey mask (really). Mike and Carol encourage him to pick one thing he's good at and keep trying, assuring him that one day he will be a winner. But Bobby is easily angered every time he fails at a game around the house, throwing checkers and such when he loses. He finally finds his niche when he enters an ice cream eating contest on the Kartoon King (played by Mayberry's resident sot, Otis) TV show. A  golden scoop trophy and a year's supply of ice cream are on the line. Although he tries his best, it's just not good enough and Bobby loses, again. Leave it to the Brady's to save the day. He arrives home to a surprise party and a special trophy "just for trying" from his brothers and sisters. Bobby finally feels like a winner instead of a wiener, not realizing that quitters never win, and winners never lose.

Next Shirley Temple Chili

This chili recipe was met with a warm reception on a brisk September evening. Ground beef, stewed tomatoes, green pepper, onion, tomato paste, chili beans and good old chili powder round out the ingredients. After browning the beef, just added the rest, brought to boil and then simmered for 15 minutes. Really couldn't have been easier. It was tasty, not too spicy (for Julia), and very hearty. Paired well with a glass of our everyday Spanish Tempranillo (not for Julia). I heart Fall.

Episode Note: "The Snooperstar"  Marcia is continuously annoyed with Cindy reading her diary and revealing her most intimate thoughts. With the aide of Jan, Marcia begins to plant fictitious diary entries about Cindy. This makes Cindy snoop even more, and with the "help" of that little jinx cousin Oliver, they get the false notion that something big is about to happen. Marcia and Jan concoct a story that a Hollywood talent scout is coming the Brady's to audition Cindy to be the next Shirley Temple. Cindy bites and begins rehearsing her rendition of "The Good Ship Lollipop."  She also styles her hair of gold into curls and wears a Temple-esque dress and patent leather Mary Janes, all the while dreaming of stardom. Meanwhile, Mike is dealing with a difficult BeeBe Gallini type client, Penelope Fletcher (played by none other than Mrs Thurston Howell III, Natalie Schafer). When Ms. Fletcher drops by to see her sketches, Cindy thinks she's the talent scout and breaks into her routine. Charmed by the act and softened from the childhood memories it evokes, Mike gets the deal. Cindy is left only with disappointment and the lesson of snoop and your dreams get snapped.

Three Musketeers Pizza

Sadly, this is not a candy pizza, as I was just reading in the latest Food & Wine how to use up Halloween candy in creative ways, so maybe that's in the future. But today, a run of the mill ham, and cheese(mozzarella, asiago and monterey jack) pizza, which is fitting for this episode, because it has a ham and is very cheesy. We also added some mushrooms that were left over in the fridge. Alice really can't screw up pizza, and I bought the dough, so this is a winner compared to last night. The only thing is Mark is out of town, so it is more like a two musketeer pizza.

Episode Note: "Kelly's Kids" A failed attempt at a Brady Bunch spin-off. Song and dance man and Mayberry alum Ken Berry is suddenly a neighbor on Clinton Avenue. He and his wife, Kathy, are adopting a child and come to Mike and Carol for parenting advice, because who would know more? The problem comes when they pick up their son from the orphanage (a generic white kid), and he has to leave his two best friends, an African-American kid and an Asian kid. The Kelly's decide to adopt all three, causing problems with the bigoted next door neighbor Mrs Payne who has disdain for their blended multi-cultural family. To remedy the situation, Ken teaches them his night club dance routine, cause that makes everybody feel better. But, the boys still feel remorse for the problems they have caused and try to run away. Ken and Kathy find the boys at the Brady's (the boys thought with so many kids they wouldn't notice three more).  They convince Matt, Dwayne and Steve that they love them no matter what. The Kelly's return home with three boys of their own to somehow form a family.

Leeky Vase Soup

There are a number of soup recipes to go, so I thought I'd start with this one now that the weather warrants it. So leeks, sauteed in butter and then simmered with peeled  and sliceed yukon gold potatoes (although Alice just said "potatoes" and didn't specify what kind) in water for 30 minutes. Then, add milk. Yep, that's what I thought too. Yucky, icky, blech, and I can't even write what Julia said. To be truthful, if I didn't love this episode so much, I would really be in a sour mood.

Episode Note: " Confessions, Confessions" A Brady classic. Peter, Bobby and Greg are shooting hoops in the house when Peter's throw goes awry and breaks Carol's favorite vase. Peter sees his upcoming camp out the guys go up in smoke with his foul as he is sure to be grounded, and Bobby reminds us all of the infamous line "Mom always said, don't play ball in the house." But, Greg convinces him to wait until after the camping trip to fess up. He masterminds a plan to glue the vase back together and all the kids agree to keep it a secret to buy Peter some time. Mike, howevr, accelerates the inevitable by bringing home a bouquet of flowers for Carol. At dinner, the vase springs so many leaks it looks like a fountain. Greg, Marcia, Jan, Bobby, Cindy and Alice each individually confess to the crime, leading Mike and Carol to suspect the one person who didn't: Peter. They begin putting the screws to him to force a confession, first by punishing everyone but him, and then by rewarding him with a gift. But Peter holds firm. His conscience does begin to weigh on him during a dream sequence where relives the vase breaking and Bobby saying "Mom always said don't play ball in the house" over and over in the "Oh, My Nose" fashion.  Finally, the day of the camping trip, Peter caves at the sight of his brothers and sisters carrying out their punishments and comes clean to Mike and Carol. The truth hvings set him free, Peter learns that you don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Stage Fright Swedish Meatballs

Swedish meatballs, we love 'em, but I never make my own. To be honest, I just get them from IKEA. So this is uncharted territory and we all know my luck with Millicent's Meatball sandwich. Anyway, ground beef and pork mixed with bread crumbs, an egg, worcestershire, salt and pepper. Rolled into 1-inch balls and browned in a skillet with butter, of course. Then I made a very tasty gravy from the pan juices, some seasoned flour and broth, oh and a little sour cream, but don't tell Mark. Served over noodles, the gravy was the best part.

Episode Note: "You Can't Win Them All" (Part 2) Cindy and Bobby are both chosen to audition for "Question the Kids" TV quiz show, hosted by quiz master Monty Marshall. Contestants have to take a test to get in, prompting Cindy to study hard.  Bobby, however, is over confident and sure it will be a cinch without studying. Well, we all know where this is going. Cindy studies and gets picked, Bobby doesn't and doesn't. Cindy's ego soars, deciding she's the smartest one of all and refers to herself as a "television star" driving the family nuts offering them autographs and such. Meanwhile, as you may remember from an earlier post, the Brady's are planning a smorgasbord dinner party, hence the Swedish meatball tie in. Carol tries to bring Cindy back down to earth by reminding her that as a 'bad winner she could still be a loser.' Cindy dismisses such nonsense, convinced everyone is just jealous of her superior intelligence. (What is it with these Brady kids, they are either egomaniacs or severly depressed?  Apparently there is no comedy in the happy medium.) The day of the TV show arrives and as soon as the red light goes on, Cindy is a deer in the headlights, unable to answer a single question. Back at home, she is mortified by her lack of performance, but the sibs try to cheer her up and Bobby says all the right things to make her feel better telling her she's the winner for getting picked and he's the loser for not studying. Perhaps it is better to have won and lost than not to have won at all.

Greg Wants a Car-rot Cake

I've only made carrot cake once before, in 1988, and it was a complete disaster. So, today being another meeting of my book club I decided to go for broke and try it again. What could go wrong? Well, lots. First, it is surprising how little carrot actually went into the cake, and the enormous amount of sugar - three cups. I could only bring myself to use two. Alice said to bake for 30 minutes, but both rounds were still uncooked in the middle. Ten minutes later, one was done but I took both out because they were getting too brown on the edges. The cream cheese frosting was a breeze in comparison, except for the mess I made with the confectioner's sugar.The overall consensus was that it was good, but not great. It seems as if that's always the story of cooking with my friend named Alice.

Episode Note: "Call Me Irresponsible" Greg is desperate to save enough money to buy his own car, even though he not yet old enough to drive. He convinces Mike to give him a job as a gopher at the architectual firm to earn some dough. The problem is that Greg's mind is more on the ends and not on the means. He is focused on  impressing a girl named Randi Peterson with the notion of his "career" in architecture, cause she she thinks architects are 'outta sight.' Mike gives him the task of taking some important designs to be duplicated, but Greg gets side tracked at the newsstand buying a car magazine and loses the sketches. Now, if a lost sketches plot sounds familiar, this one was original, Cincinnati was a rehash. When Greg delivers the bad news, Mr. Phillips wants him fired, but Mike is persuaded by Alice and Carol to give him another chance. When delivering the plans the second time, Greg's bike chain breaks. It's a lucky break though, because just then he runs into Randi and her father who offer to give him a ride to the copy shop. Unfortunately for Greg, he still can't get it right and leaves the plans in the car, forcing him to run all over town looking for Mr Peterson to get them back and delivered on time. Mike has his doubts when Greg isn't home on time, but relieves himself when he finally does arrive, glad he never lost faith in his son.

No Smoking Spaghetti Sauce

Italian sausage, stewed tomatoes, tomato sauce, tomato paste, mushrooms, diced green pepper, garlic and oregano all simmered for an hour. Served over spaghetti, with a nice green salad and fresh bread. Not nearly as good as my sauce, but effortless by comparison. In the old days, before Alice, my go-to Monday meal was always spaghetti with meatballs (also known as Meatball Monday) so this fit in well. Sorry the portion in the picture looks so skimpy, I was half done eating before I realized I forgot to take a photo!

Episode Note: "Where There's Smoke" World's collide when Carol joins an anti-teen smoking organization and Greg is enticed to try cigarettes on the same day. Greg is taking a drag with his buddy Tommy Johnson when  Jan and Cindy catch him in the act. They rat him out to the 'rents and after a very long anti-smoking lecture he promises that he didn't like it and will never do it again. Very shortly theresfter, when Carol is hosting a meeting of the no smokers, including Tommy's mother who is spearheading the group, Greg and Tommy come home from school. When Greg takes off his varsity jacket a pack of cigarettes fall out of the pocket. Greg swears they aren't his (he was just holding them for a friend), but Tommy's mother gets all self-righteous and throws Carol off the committee. Later, Alice discoveres that the jacket wasn't Greg's, as she had recently sewed up a rip in his. It is revealed that the jacket and the smokes belong to Tommy, who is then forced to come clean with his mother in front of the Brady's Let's just say it was probably not Mrs. Johnson's finest hour. Greg's friendship with Tommy was clearly sending the wrong (smoke) signal.

Myron's Cheese Sticks

Things are dry for now, so we thought we'd go for something simple. Flour, buttah, cheddar and parmesan cheeses formed into a dough and rolled out into sticks. Baked at 350 for ten minutes and voila, a cheesy Sunday afternoon snack. Of course, none of the instructions made sense, and ironically, I had to add water to the dough to get it to the right consistency. So even when it seems simple...

Episode Note: "The Impractical Joker" Another cry for help from ugly-ducking, middle child Jan. She gets a box o' practical jokes - fake ink stains, plastic spiders, etc. and lets loose on the family. The only problem is that she's the only one who finds them funny.  Marcia tells her in the snottiest way possible that the joking just shows how immature she is. If I were Marcia, I would be afraid to go to sleep at night. Anyway, the situation gets serious when Jan steals Greg's science project mouse Myron and hides him in the girls hamper.  Unbeknown to Jan, Myron chews his way out and wanders into the kitchen where he is spotted by Alice, who has just returned from a rare day off. She is so freaked out she climbs on a chair and calls the Zap-It Exterminator Company -unaware it is Greg's mouse. When Greg fills Alice in, she feels like a 'murderess' and the boys haven't been so low since the trading stamp company went out of business. Jan too feels remorse and fesses up, swearing never to play another practical joke. Tiger becomes the hero (that dog is finally good for something) when he alerts the family that something is amiss in his dog house, and it's not Kitty Karry-All, but little Myron. It's a sunshine day for everyone except Jan. She was quiet as mouse, plotting a course through her maze of low self esteem.

Cindy's Thicken Oregano

Almost too simple, which makes me wonder what's the catch. Boneless chicken breasts, topped with oregano and butter and baked .Served over a bed of pasta, mushrooms, paremesan cheese and butter.The only thing missing is more butter. The butter Betty Botter bought was a bit bitter, then Betty bought a bit of better butter (now I feel like a nutter about butter).

Episode Note: "A Fist Full of Reasons" Cindy and Peter bof have a problem at thcool: Buddy Hinton. Buddy is always theasing Cindy about her lisp just because she has lazy ethes. Peter intervenes on her behath but just geths a black eye for hith trouble and is labeled a thicken by the bully for not fighting back. At home, Mike consolths Cindy and helps her practith her speeth by reciting thongue thisters. Apparently, a profesthional speeth therapisth was out of the questhion. He also advises Peter to weason with Buddy, instead of fighting, which failsth mistherably. Mike and Carol also try thalking to the Hintons, but that failsth too. So, Mike green lighths Peter to defend himthelf. He begins a training prgram of thsparring and jumping rope to get into thape for the big fight. When Buddy starths with hith "Baby Talk, Baby Talk" taunth, Peter geth him with a right hook in the mouf, knocking looth Buddy's front toof. All the kidth laugh, but Peter tells them not to, becauth teathing is never the anther. Later, Buddy comes over to the Brady's houth to apologize and aths to borrow Cindy's thounge thister book. He wants to thay: She Sells Sea Shells by the Sea Shore over and over again until he geth it right.

Busy Signal Meatloaf

It has been rather chilly here the last few days so comfort food is in order. And what could be better than some meatloaf from Alice? A pretty conventional recipe of ground beef and pork, egg, bread crumbs, etc. I usually make my meatloaf with ground turkey, which is probably a little healthier. We should be getting Mark's cholesterol test results today, so this may be our last hurrah doing it the Alice way. I also like the way she just says to bake it at 350 for an hour and a half and gives no indication of what the internal temperature should be for safe consumption, like modern recipes from real cooks.

Episode Note: "Sorry, Right Number" A first season dilemma, when the Brady's realize that eight people, living all together, cannot share one phone line. Frustrated because he can never use the phone, Mike puts his foot down and has a second line installed in his den - for his use only. But with the kids tying up the family line, Carol must use Mike's line for inane conversations with her unseen friend Martha. The crisis comes to a head when the monthly telephone bill tops $30. Mike has had enough and takes Alice's off the cuff remark about installing a pay phone (like the one in Sam's Butcher Shop) seriously. Effective immediately, anyone in the Brady Household wanting to make a call must have coins. This causes the kids to scroungre for change whenever they need to make a call, instilling a sense of financial responsibility according to the lecture from Mike. But, what goes around comes around. Mike gets a dose of his own medicine when he is trying to conduct an overseas business call and the operator keeps breaking in asking him to deposit more money. The client, Mr. Crawford, wonders what kind of reputable architect has to use a pay phone. After a series of missteps, Mike finally completes his call and explains to Mr. Crawford about the phone, the family, the bills, etc. Crawford thinks Mike's solution is off the hook and seals the deal. Got dimes?

Martinelli's Chicken and Broccoli Rigatoni

Chicken, pounded, cut into pieces, dredged in flour and cooked in garlic and tons of butter, tossed with broccoli, parmesan cheese, cream sherry and the rigatoni. Alice suggests that the sherry will ignite in the pan, but it didn't. This is the third or fourth recipe she has had me light on fire, which leads us to believe that either Alice is a pyro or was also cheating on Sam with a fireman.

Episode Note: "How To Succeed in Business?" Peter too, we see is suffering from middle child syndrome. He gets his first afterschool job at Martinelli's Bicycle shop  and is very enthuastic and deeply wants to perform well, but Mr. Martinelli soon learns that he's made a mistake. Peter is painstakingly slow in all of his tasks and repairs, causing problems with the customers. When Mr. Martenelli tells Peter he'd be a better bike salesman than a repairman (trying to spare his feelings), Peter thinks that means he's being promoted. When asked at home how the job is going, Peter is delusional and says all is well. Alice even bakes him a celebratory cake with sparklers (hmmmm). Eventually, Mr. Martinelli reaches his limit and fires Peter, a fact Peter witholds from the family because he just can't bring himself to admit his failure. He spends his days feeding pigeons in the park, forlorn and hopeless. As in all instances, the truth prevails when Mike and Carol visit Martinelli's to purchase bikes for themselves. They learn first hand of Peter's deception and embarrassment. When they confront Peter, Mike consoles him saying that as long as he tried his best it is okay to be a loser. Then, the whole family, even Alice, go for a bike ride. In California, that's not a gang, it's a club.

Speak for Yourself Breadsticks

Homemade breadsticks.A perfect day for making dough, zero humidity. Mixed flour, yeast, salt, oil and hot water together, kneaded and rolled out the sticks, let rise for 25 minutes. Brushed with salt and a beaten egg white and baked. The only problem was the recipe said it yielded 40 breadsticks, which is a lot for the three of us but there was no real way to reduce it. There was nothing to worry about, however, as Alice's instructions for rolling them out were highly flawed and we ended up with about a dozen. That darn Alice.

Episode Note: "Cyrano de Brady"  It' love at first sight for Peter when he sets eyes on Jan's new friend Kerry Hathaway. But Peter has two problems, Kerry doesn't know who he is, and she thinks Greg is super groovy. Thus, Peter is suffering from Greg,Greg,Greg. Peter makes a fool of himself at school trying to talk to Kerry, finding himself clumsy and tongue tied. When writing a letter to Kerry fails (he forgot to sign it), Peter convinces smooth operator Greg to hide in the bushes a la Cyrano and feed him romantic lines. But it seems Peter is also inept at repeating as well and soon Kerry discovers their ploy, leading her to assume that Greg is the one in love with her. This, of course, crushes poor Peter. Greg is equally disturbed, as Kerry won't leave him alone. Prompting Greg and Marcia concoct a crazy scheme to show Kerry what a two-timing rat Greg really is so she will be turned off once and for all. Greg invites Kerry over and Marcia barges in wearing a huge dark wig and sunglasses (part of the Jan Brady Collection) and poses as Debbie, the jilted "other" woman. When Kerry sees the harsh treatment Greg gives "Debbie", she is appropriately disgusted. Just then, Peter innocently happens upon the scene, calls Marcia and Greg out, finds his voice and delivers a speech to Kerry that makes her swoon. No one needs to put words in Peter's mouth as what to do next, he takes his cue and walks Kerry home. Roses are red, violets are blue, Peter finally learns how to woo.

Dreamy Dentist Strawberry Shortcake

Mmmmmmm. Strawberry Shortcake,  the food not that annoying children's character.  A basic biscuit recipe, strawberries huled and quartered and sufficiently sugared up.  Alice called for whip cream, but we had ours with ice cream. Satisfied my sweet tooth. This is the kind of night when everybody should be so lucky to live in Alice's Restaurant. A perfect end to the not so perfect summer.

Episode Note: "Love and the Older Man" Marcia's in love, again. This time with Dr.Stanley Vogel - he's far out, has dark gorgeous hair, dreamy eyes, groovy bell bottoms and plays the best rock music in his office. What's not to love? Jan reinforces Marcia's crush reading an article from Teentime Romance magazine about the positive aspects of a relationship with an older man. Apparently, they are more patient and caring. Meanwhile, the boys are building a go cart because by the fourth season there always had to be an inane subplot. Anyway, misunderstandings compound each other to the point where Marcia thinks Dr Vogel is asking her our on a date for Saturday night, when in reality he just wants her to babysit his three year old daughter. There are a series of cheesy dream sequences where Marcia imagines her life as "Mrs. Marcia Dentist" including one in which Alice dons a french maid outfit. (It will be a while before that image is erased from my memory) Jan finds out that Dr Vogel is married and Marcia is so incensed she barges into his office to confront him. During her tirade, Dr Vogel realizes how Marcia misconstrued his interest in her and decides it best just to humor her, instead of setting her straight. Marcia goes back to boys her own age, Dr Vogel  having left a bad taste in her mouth no matter how often she rinses and spits.

Freckle Face Fried Chicken

Fried chicken, finger lickin good. First the chicken pieces are marinated in oil, garlic, oregano and rosemary for a couple of hours. Then dredged in flour, salt and pepper and pan fried for about 20 minutes. Aside from the mess on my cook top, a pretty good result. Served with corn on the cob, it made for a perfect end of summer picnic meal.

Episode Note: "The Not So Ugly Duckling" This is the episode where we watch Jan fall into deep mental illness and her hatred for Marcia, Marcia, Marcia is born. I am the youngest in my family and this gave me middle child syndrome. Jan has a crush on Clark Tyson, who is more interested in Marcia. When Jan confronts Marcia for flaunting herself in front of Clark, Marcia says, and I quote, "If boys don't find you attractive, don't blame me". Them's fighting words where I come from, but Jan, with her low self-esteem believes that she is just not pretty enough. Convinced it is her unsightly freckles, she consults the druggist on a freckle remover (donning a head scarf and huge sunglasses). He suggests lemon juice, which she tries to no avail. Then, when she overhears Peter talk about a pretty girl with freckles, she is sure it is just her lot in life to be the ugly duckling. Jan then decides in a maniacal scene to invent an imaginary boyfriend, George Glass. This perks her right up and she goes out of her way to flaunt her fake relationship. Sad. The Brady's catch on that George is fictional, and instead of seeking out a child psychologist they consult Clark, asking him what it is about Jan that is unattractive. He tells them she's not girlie enough, so they put Jan in a dress and Clark is smitten. The lesson: if at first a boy doesn't like you, lie, lie again.

Stolen Playbook Hot Dogs

Have you ever marinated hot dogs? Me neither, that is until today. Alice continues to challenge me. This time it is Dijon mustard, brown sugar, lemon juice, Worcestershire and Tabasco blended together with the dogs for two hours before grilling. It gave the dogs a bit of a smokey flavor, but was hardly worth the effort of making the marinade. Hopefully things are better for the first Michigan game today. The new coach is named Brady, in the ultimate merger of Denni's two favorite things: Michigan Football and The Brady Bunch. It's a sign.

Episode Note: "Quarterback Sneak" It's the week before the big game to decide the league championship between Westdale High and cross-town rival Fairview. Marcia is targeted by smooth talking Jerry Rogers, Fairview's Quarterback, in order to get into the Brady compound and steal Greg's playbook. Of course, Marcia is completely taken with dreamy Jerry and refuses to see him as the opposition.  Meanwhile, Carol's high school sweetheart and former Westdale High all-star athlete Tank Gates is in town for the big game and comes calling, making Mike a little jealous. When Bobby sees Jerry trying to steal the Westdale playbook from the Brady's family room, he tells Greg and they confront Marcia with the evidence that Jerry is a Fairview fink. Greg decides to get even by replacing his playbook with a phony one and leave it as bait for Jerry, who of course steals it, and Marcia is forced to see his true colors. When Mike finds out, he reprimands Greg for the deceit, telling him he is as dishonest as Jerry. Being a stand-up guy, Greg tries to tell Fairview that the book was a fake, but they refuse to believe him. But, nice guys finish first as Westdale wins the game fair and square. Luckily, Fairview didn't have a goat mascot, or Greg would not have had a hoof to stand on.

Frog Prince Flank Steak

Nothing objectionable here. Flank steak in a teriyaki marinade of soy sauce, vegetable oil, ginger, brown sugar and garlic. The downside was standing outside in 90+ degrees at the grill. Sliced thin and served with rice and Julia's new fav, asian broccoli slaw. The only thing is, no matter how many times you kiss flank steak, it never turns into filet mignon.

Episode Note: "Eenie, Meenie, Mommy, Daddy" A first season dilemma for little Cindy when she gets the role of a lifetime as the Fairy Princess in her school play. All is well, as she "herses" her part and the other kids join in making her a magic wand and fairy wings. Even Jan gets in on the act by giving Cindy drama lessons (because who would know better?). But soon a problem bigger than Cindy arises. It turns out that the Dixie Canyon Elementary school auditorium can't hold all of the families of the actors, and the teacher decides that each child may only have one ticket. Alice gets the call and delivers the bad news to Cindy, who now must choose between Carol and Mike. She can't make up her mind between her "old" mommy or her "new" daddy and instead opts to pretend she has a sprained ankle (next to the mumps, measles and laryngitis, the most overused plot line) to get out of the performance. When Mike and Carol get wind of what's going on, Mike gracefully bows out of the competition saying he has a business meeting the night of the play. But then, he has a scathingly brilliant idea and a phone call to the teacher solves the problem entirely.  The school puts on a special performance of the play just for the Brady family, and once again they live happily ever after....

Bride of Sam Enchilada Casserole

Another go at enchiladas, this time beef and only a tee bit of sour cream, which Mark now says he doesn't mind when it is mixed in a sauce. Lucky me. Another can soup recipe, only this time Alice wants me to use cream of chicken mushroom. This is incredibly similar to the Evil Stepmother's except for the assembly, which is layered. At least this repeat was 15 pages apart from the last. I shouldn't complain, I mean if it weren't for reruns, I would never have gotten to know the Brady's.

Episode Note: "The Elopement" A series of misunderstandings and assumptions lead Jan and Marcia to conclude that Alice and Sam are planning their elopement for Saturday night. What they are really planning is to go bowling as they are in the mixed doubles semi-finals. It is easy to see how the two can be confused. They are, however, standing up for Sam's cousin Clara who is eloping the following day.  Anyway, "bowling" becomes the euphemism for elopement and the Brady's are further convinced when Sam calls Mr Brady about affordable housing for a "friend" that is getting married and the the kids run into the Reverend Melborne at the butcher shop. As a result, they begin to plan a reception for the happy couple and Carol proceeds to interview temporary housekeepers to take Alice's place while she's on her honeymoon. God forbid she do the cooking and cleaning herself for the week! Anyway, Alice and Sam have a fight over the wedding gift for his cousin, Sam wants to buy his and hers bowling balls and Alice thinks that is unromantic, because as she tells Sam "No one wants to strike out on their honeymoon." As a result, they break their "bowling" date. Sam soon comes to his senses, and the "bowling" is back on. When they return from "bowling" the Brady's surprise them with a reception only to find out that "bowling" indeed does mean bowling. Poor Alice, always a bridesmaid, never a bride.